Pumping the Brakes: Managing Unrealistic Expectations

The world is built on expectations: expectations others have of us, expectations we have of others... even expectations we have of ourselves. They hold everyone to a productive and ethical standard needed to reach our collective goals (or at least, to keep us from wringing each other’s necks). And setting goals helps us grow and lead more fulfilling lives.

But at a certain point, our expectations can lose their grip on reality. We might have unrealistic expectations for how the world around us should work. Or, we might have impractical beliefs about how we and others should behave. For example, we might believe we should get a perfect score on every school exam. Or, we might expect our roommate to keep the kitchen constantly spotless.

Of course, these expectations tend to fall flat on their face, distracting us from viable goals and causing emotional distress in the process. It's worth a bit of self-reflection to see which of our expectations are a bit too out there, and to try to shift our mindset to something more practical.

Why Do We Have Unrealistic Expectations?

Biased Life Experiences

Expectations are a part of life. We expect ourselves, others, and the world at large to work a certain way based on our past experiences. But sometimes these experiences are biased, leading us to form an unrealistic belief. For example, we might read a few too many romance novels, and get swept up in their ideals: My partner should be perfect! (Don't worry, it happens to the best of us.)

Perfectionism

Unrealistic expectations are also a big part of perfectionism. According to social psychology, perfectionism can be "self-oriented" or "other-oriented": expecting perfection of ourselves or other people. And it's only getting more common: perfectionism has been increasing over the last several decades.

Plenty of psychological theories attempt to explain the origins of perfectionism. Generally, these theories agree that both our genes and our upbringing contribute. In particular, high parental expectations are a key factor to becoming a perfectionist later in life.

The Dunning-Kruger Effect

Finally, unrealistic expectations might spring from naïvety. The tendency for inexperienced or incompetent individuals to overestimate their ability is the crux of the famed Dunning-Kruger effect. Basically, when we start out on a new project or life goal, we might not yet have the feel for a reasonable pace of progress. So we overshoot. For example, if we're starting out on our first weight loss journey, we might think it's possible to drop 100 pounds within a month.... Even though this far exceeds a safe rate of weight loss.

How Unrealistic Expectations Bring Us Down

Holding anything—including ourselves—to too high a standard is a recipe for disappointment. These expectations can hold us back from making real progress in the long run. The proof is in the pudding: students perform better when they set realistic expectations at the start of their semester. In contrast, when we're so bogged down by disappointment, facing constant failure to achieve impossible milestones, we might lose motivation altogether.

Unrealistic expectations attack our mental health, too; perfectionism makes us more stressed and prone to mental health conditions like depression (surprising—let me check—no-one). And for someone with maladaptive perfectionism, the higher the expectation, the worse their emotional distress gets.

Combating perfectionism isn't easy, but a good starting point is to reflect on our expectations.

Signs of Unrealistic Expectations

How can we determine if our expectations are unrealistic? Unrealistic expectations tend to be...

• ...unrealistic. Well, duh. But sometimes we can unmask unrealistic expectations with good, honest introspection. Is it something you or others can actually expect to achieve? Remember, "challenging" is different from "impossible".
• ...all-or-nothing. Be wary of words like “always” or “never” or “everyone” or “no-one” when setting expectations. Often these generate impossible scenarios, like Everyone should like me or I should win every match.
• ...inflexible. They involve specific outcomes, and leave no room for error.

Not only are these expectations unproductive, they also cause unnecessary stress, which spells bad news for our mental health. You might be able to tell that you’ve set unrealistic expectations if you often feel the following:

• Frustration when things (even minor details) don’t go to plan
• Hypercriticism of yourself and/or others
• Chronic disappointment

OK, so maybe you’ve realized you have some unrealistic expectations to tackle. Most of us do! Reshaping our expectations may not always be easy, but there are a few tricks to crafting a more balanced outlook.

DO and DON’Ts of Expectations

These tips can help you let go of unrealistic expectations and set new, more realistic ones.

DO be patient

Being patient with ourselves, others, and the world itself can help blunt our irritation when things don’t go to plan. They can also help us set goals at a more achievable pace; perhaps you’ll aim to lose 10 pounds within the month, instead of 100.

Practicing patience can involve practicing emotional regulation. To do so, we have to recognize and sit with uncomfortable feelings, like disappointment, stress or anxiety. While unpleasant, getting used to these feelings can build up our tolerance for them, so that we aren’t pressured into making rash or impractical goals.

This can translate to greater success; a survey of university students showed that patience is associated with higher rates of goal pursuit and a greater self-reported sense of achievement. Be the tortoise, not the hare.

DON’T compare to others

Comparison is the thief of joy.... That’s clear whenever you see social media posts of your newly-engaged high school friend, or your super-successful entrepreneur cousin. We might think, I should be at their level. Or we might direct our expectation outward: It should be easy for me to get what I want, like they did!

But these comparisons are unfair. For one, the way people present themselves in public (online or off) doesn’t tell a whole story. We all want to put our best face forward, which means hiding the ugly parts of our lives.

An example: when asked to view Facebook users’ status updates and describe the personality of the user, participants of a study differed substantially from the users’ self-reported personalities. This shows just how skewed a picture we can form from limited information. Expectations built on these false beliefs are doomed to be totally out of touch with reality.

Plus, everyone’s life takes a vastly different path, based on innumerable factors. Comparing our journey to others’ is a bit like comparing apples to oranges.

If we constantly compare ourselves to others, it can spark unrealistic expectations and tank our mental health. Instead, we should focus on moving at our own pace. Of course, that’s easier said than done, especially in the modern era. A good starting point is limiting social media use.

Another is to remind ourselves to be mindful while using social media. Mindfulness means being aware of our thoughts and emotions, allowing them all to come and go without judgement (That part is key.) This can help us avoid fixating on negative thoughts (I wish my body looked like hers! Why isn’t my apartment that nice?) and keep us grounded in the world around us. Mindfulness can involve

meditation, or simply staying present with our thoughts and feelings as we go about our day.

DO practice gratitude

OK, it’s hard to be grateful when you feel let down. But think of it like a marathon; you might be upset if you don’t place, but look behind and you’ll see how far you’ve come!

Remembering and appreciating our and others’ achievements and efforts can help ground us in reality. It sparks feelings similar to achievement, and can make us feel less desperate for the magic fixes that unrealistic standards promise.

Gratitude doesn’t mean slowing down. In fact, in one study, a two-week gratefulness task improved academic motivation in university students. The task involved listing five things one was grateful for each day. Try it at home for a motivational boost!

DON’T do it alone

Our peers, friends and loved ones can all help point out unrealistic expectations. Talking through your goals with a trusted person can unveil irrational patterns of thinking. If you’re using our accountability app, your coach can help you find solutions and set expectations and life goals that are ambitious but fair to you and others.

What Realistic Expectations Look Like

Now that we’ve acknowledged our unrealistic expectations, what can we expect realistic ones to look like? 

They’re generally:

• ...flexible. Our lives are unpredictable, and circumstances can always change. An expectation that keeps this in mind is much more likely to help us succeed.
• ...inspirational. Instead of leading to endless frustration and stress, realistic expectations provide stable motivation.
• ...fair. They take our and others’ limitations into consideration, and show a level of patience and gratitude.

For example, a realistic expectation might be that you’ll try your best in school. Notably, this focuses on your efforts, not the outcome, and offers some leniency if, say, you’re sick in bed for a week and can’t study as much as normal.

We might make more specific goals—like getting straight As for the semester—if we think they’re feasible. But holding ourselves to a rational standard can us help avoid disappointment if we fail (I got a B in one class, but I still did my best!)

Setting Goals: Step-By-Step

Unrealistic expectations are often set unconsciously. But if we want to kickstart a new life project, purposefully setting realistic goals can help keep us accountable and motivated.

Ready to start? Grab a pen and paper. We'll take it step-by-step.

1. Brainstorming

So you have a big, capital-G Goal you're ready to pursue. Maybe you want to get fit, work out a bad habit, or climb up the corporate ladder. But to create a roadmap towards this Goal, we'll want to break it down into smaller, actionable steps. As you're brainstorming about what these little-g goals might be, make sure to:

• Be patient with yourself and others
• Avoid comparing to others
• Practice gratitude for past efforts and successes

You might also want to double-check that your ideas aren't falling into the common traps of unrealistic expectations:

• Is this goal flexible? Can I fail and still gain something from it?
• Is it all-or-nothing, or dealing in extremes?
• Is it motivated by frustration or impatience?

2. Drafting

Got some good ideas? Let's write them down. As we do, we'll make sure they fit into a SMART format. The SMART criteria for goal-setting were first proposed in 1981, and remain a popular and effective checklist. SMART (typically) stands for:

• Specific: I want to be healthy is a pretty vague goal. How about, I want to lower my LDL below 130 ? This creates a more concrete "finish line" to reach.
• Measureable: You have to be able to see the finish line to know that you've crossed it! Make sure you'll have a system by which to measure your progress.
• Assignable: Who's doing what? Are others involved? If so, what will their roles be?
• Realistic: Yep, we've talked this one over already. Remember: avoid all-or-nothing thinking, consider your past experiences and progress, and plan with a mindset of excitement, not frustration.
• Time-related: Pick a deadline, but remember you can adjust it later, if needed. The important thing is to have a timeline in mind, so that you aren't stuck forever procrastinating.

We might create a few bullet points under each goal, to specify how it's going to be measured, who will be responsible for which elements, and what the ideal timeline will look like.

3. Feedback

Have friends or other trusted peers "review" your list (especially if they'll play a role!) Listen to their suggestions and concerns, and revise as necessary.

The more opinions you can get, the better! This will make sure you're being fair to yourself and others, giving you the best chance of success. Our accountability app can offer a soundboard to plan out your goals, keeping your motivated and on-track to fulfill your dreams.

Food for Thought

‍

• Do you have trouble meeting your goals, despite working hard? Is your work ethic really the problem, or the expectations you’ve set?
• When’s the last time you’ve congratulated somebody (including yourself)? Do you show patience and gratitude for them, or do you just expect more?
• Have you been told that your standards are too high? Do your expectations seem to go above and beyond those of others?
• Are you frequently criticizing yourself or others? Do you often feel like they failed you?

FAQs

How do you deal with someone who has unrealistic expectations?

The obvious answer: we don’t. Meaning, we don’t have to accept the expectations of others if they’re not fair, respectful and achievable.

It can be useful, however, to try to understand why the other person has set this expectation. They might have developed impractical beliefs from their family, peers, or certain personal experiences. Understanding these factors can help people change their beliefs, and nudge their expectations towards something more reasonable.

What causes people to have unrealistic expectations?

Unrealistic expectations may come from a biased perspective or viewpoint. We might inherit certain irrational beliefs from people close to us, or develop them from our life experiences. Unrealistic expectations can also arise from a sense of perfectionism, or inexperience.

How does social media create unrealistic expectations?

Social media is an ever-flowing source of biased information and points of comparison. These biased viewpoints can lead us to make unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others. Mindfulness can help keep us present in the “real world” and ground our expectations in truth.

What are unrealistic expectations of love?

Unrealistic expectations can not only plague our professional and personal goals, but also our love lives. We might have beliefs like, I should never feel lonely while I have a partner, or maybe, My partner should always know what I'm thinking. Usually these expectations revolve around the idea of a relationship with only upsides. In fact, all relationships—even healthy and happy ones—will have rough moments. Being patient and grateful for a partner, and discussing expectations with them, can help temper flareups of dissatisfaction.

How are high expectations different from unrealistic expectations?

Having high expectations can drive us to success, pushing us to meet our full potential. In contrast, unrealistic expectations are doomed to fail, leading only to stress and disappointment. We might tell the difference by asking ourselves: Is this expectation flexible, or rigid? Am I being biased by someone else's progress? Am I being too rushed into making this a goal?

Conclusion

To summarize, we can pick out unrealistic expectations by their extreme, inflexible thinking and nasty habit of building needless frustration. In contrast, realistic expectations and goals keep us ambitious and help us grow, while cutting ourselves and others some needed slack. These can be developed with the help of trusted friends and peers, incorporating patience and gratitude.